Remus, You're Useless
by RestIsRustandStardust
Summary: It's a hot spring day in Hogwarts, so what else would Sirius be doing besides annoy the living hell out of poor Remus? Rated T for language. Oneshot.
**A/N Hello people of the Fanfiction World! Guess what? This was originally part of one of my oneshot stories, but I decided to get rid of it because I just wasn't feeling it. However, this chapter just made me smile, and couldn't bear to delete it! So basically, I get inspired to write by little tumblr things, so I wrote this. I just thought this tumblr postmwas funny, and yes, I know the song is a bit old, but I wanted to do it so okay? Okay. Also, I realize that this song came out wayyy past the plotline of the Marauder's Generation and also Harry's Generation, but for the purposes of this story, we're gonna just pretend. Now without further ado, I present to you all, "Remus, You're Useless."**

 **Warning: Language**

 _Tumblr Inspiration:_

 _Sirius: I'm too hot!_

 _Remus: Maybe you shouldn't be wearing your leather jacket in the middle of summer. Just a thought._

 _Sirius: . . ._

 _Sirius: You're useless._

 _James: *From across the room* HOT DAMN!_

 _Sirius: Thank you, Prongs._

 _Source: Unknown_

It was yet another lazy Saturday evening in northern Scotland. A gentle wind blew across the forest that sprouted over land that erratically sloped upwards into two twin mountains. Nestled between the two peaks was a plateau, largely dominated by a massive lake that had just begin to thaw from the extreme winter temperatures that were present through most of the year. On the larger of the two mountains was a large precipice, on which most saw a small shed accompanied with a sign that had mostly been covered in moss. If that person were to wipe off that moss, they would see large, red, block letters that formed the words "HIGHLY RADIOACTIVE SUBSTANCES - KEEP OUT OF SHED". But of course, we know much better than that, don't we?

So instead, balanced precariously on the cliff, we know that there was a large castle - the stone buttresses and elegantly carved doors braved the fiercesome blizzards that constantly threatened to tear the establishment apart during the winter. However, during the hot early summer months this story took place in, the air was calm and the castle stood proudly. In one of the minor towers' windows, one could see, if they peered in closely, the Gryffindor Common Room and its few occupants that were up at that late hour. A fire blazed brightly in the massive fireplace, and the sofas surrounding it were taken by the rooms only occupants - a rather attractive, black-haired young man and his rather annoyed friend.

"Doo. Doo- _dooo_ -do. Doo- _dooo_ -doo. Do-doo." The black-haired teen hummed over and over again, knowing full well that his poor friend was about to, and this is being put as delicately as possible, flip his shit.

"For the love of _MERLIN_ , would you SHUT UP for three seconds, Padfoot?" The friend exclaimed sharply, throwing down his quill in exasperation.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Moony," the teen - Padfoot - said sweetly, plainly sorry at all, "I had _no_ idea I was bothering you." Padfoot kicked his feet up onto the table in front of him, obviously pleased at getting a rise out of his friend. Moony simply sighed and picked up his quill again.

"Yeah, Sirius, I'm sure that your constantly humming for the past hour was in no way shape or form meant to annoy the shit out of me at all," Moony said, chewing on the end of his quill in concentration, his attention already back to his paper.

"Not at all, naturally." Sirius said back, absentmindedly tapping his wand on some piece of old parchment paper. The room was silent for a few more moments, albeit the crackling from the fireplace continuously burned despite the warm air. Just when Moony thought Sirius finally gave up on the humming thing . . .

"Doo. Doo- _dooo_ -do. Doo- _dooo_ -doo. Do-doo."

Moony decided to bring out the big guns.

"I swear to all that is magical, if you do not humming this instant, not only will I not help you on Slughorn's Potions Essay that is due on Monday, which I know you haven't even started judging from the fact that you have been doing nothing but play with the Map for the past hour, _and_ I will shave your head in your sleep." Now _THAT_ sobered Padfoot up instantly.

"No need to be unreasonable, Remus. it was only a bit of fun." Sirius said cautiously while touching his hair, but shut up promptly. Remus grinned to himself and continued writing out whatever school assignment he had been working on. But Sirius, like any rambunctious child, could not stay silent for long. Remus chose to ignore his friend's tapping with his hands and wand like he was drumming. All of the sudden, Sirius jumped up so he was standing on the couch and, with his wand posed like a microphone and his free hand pointing at Moony, yelled in a sing song voice:

"I'm too hot!"

"Well then maybe you should stop prancing around in that ridiculous leather jacket in front of the hot fireplace in the start of summer like a jackass and get to work on your Potion's Essay, because I sure as hell am not writing the entire essay for you. Y'know, just an idea." Moony shot back. He looked up at Sirius and added, "I am _fucking_ serious about cutting off all of your goddamn hair, Padfoot. I will do it. With a large, rusty pair of scissors." Some might say that Remus was being a little too profane. And harsh. And violence-prone. Remus would then proceed to ask if you had ever spend three hours in the presence of Sirius Black, and if you hadn't, would go on to politely ask you to shove your opinions up your arse. Sirius, though slightly taken aback by the normally mild Remus' outburst, said,

". . . Merlin, Remus, you're useless," And, not one to pass up an opportunity as fantastic as the one Moony had unwittingly placed in front of him, he continued to say, "And you're not Sirius, I am!" before plopping back down on the couch. Whatever sarcastic retort Remus had was cut short by the banging open of Fat Lady's portrait and two arguing teenagers storming through.

" . . . THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT? YOU NEVER RESPECT ANY AUTHORITY . . ."

" . . . OH LOOK AT ME, I'M LILY EVANS, I'M SO PERFECT . . . ."

". . . OH THE AUDACITY OF YOU TWO, NOT LIKE AN OIL CANVAS HAS FEELINGS THOUGH, RIGHT? . . ."

The cacophony of shouts were those of none other than Lily Evans and James Potter. Oh, and the Fat Lady, but she was just pissed that the arguing teenagers hadn't bothered to say hello, so she decided it best to shriek at them.

The painting swung shut, and James followed Lily to the foot of the stairs that led to the girls' dormitories, arguing all the way.

". . . and it's not my fault that you can't take a fucking joke, Evans!" He roared. The redhead bristled.

"If you think it's okay to tell a joke that inappropriate, not only in front of a teacher, but in front of MCGONAGALL, of all people, you are even more out of your goddamn mind than I originally thought, Potter!" She shouted back before spinning on her heel and taking off up the stairs. James, not wanting to leave Evans with the last word, shouted up the stairway,

"Yeah, well you know what? _FUCK YOU, EVANS!"_

"Ha, only in your pervy little dreams, Potter!" She called over her shoulder before flipping him off. James kicked the bottom of the stairway in frustration, before running his hand through his already messy hair and turning around to face his friends. Before James could even begin the rant about Evans that was about to follow, Sirius jumped up on the couch, resuming his prior position with the wand-mic, shouted in that same sing-song way,

"I"M TO HOT!"

In a flash, James had jumped up on the couch nearest to him and, with the same stance as Sirius, sang back.

"HOT DAMN!"

Sirius threw up his hands.

" _Thank_ you, Prongs!" He shouted before plopping back down.

"No problem, mate." James said, sauntering over to Remus' couch and sprawling out, pushing poor Remus to the edge of the seat. And Remus? Remus was finished with his two friends' shit.

"All right, I'm done with you too. Have fun serenading each other with God-knows-what song. I'm going to find Wormtail." He said, packing up his belongings. Quick as a flash, James grabbed his friend's arm.

"Wait, you don't-you don't _KNOW_ 'Uptown Funk', Moony? How in the name of Merlin's pants have Padfoot and I failed you so badly?" He gasped in horror. Sirius' face reflected James' alarm. Remus rolled his eyes and tried to tug his arm out of James' grip.

"Oi, you two are bad friends, yeah, but it sure as hell isn't because of a bloody song." He muttered. Prongs and Padfoot gasped, looked at each other, and simultaneously each grabbed one of Remus' arms, pinning them to the poor teen's side.

"Nope. You aren't going anywhere until we introduce you to the world of pop culture." Padfoot stated firmly.

"But-" Moony started.

"Nope." James cut him off.

"But _Prongs-"_

 _"_ No way," James said as he and Sirius were leading Remus up to the boys' dormitories, "We care about your social well being far too much to be persuaded to let you go." The door to the sixth years boys' dormitories swung shut with a loud clunk.

 **A/N: Well that's it! How did you like it? I feel like I might have rushed the ending too much, but I really did enjoy writing this piece a lot, and I hope you all like it! Please review, and follow/favorite if you liked! As I said before, those little "you have a new follower" alerts always make my day. Until next time,**

 **~RestisRustandStardust**


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